Zach and I found out on July 7th that we were expecting...... Already being 2 years deep into the process of bringing 3 children home from Haiti we were shocked, scared, worried, excited, worried... did I say worried? We started praying over this surprise pregnancy Jeremiah 29:11 ~For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Little did we know that 7 weeks later on August 23rd we would lose this baby.... Little did we know how painful this experience would be...How traumatic this experience would be. We were 10 weeks along when we lost the baby and we had gotten pretty used to the idea of having another baby even in the middle of an international adoption! We were excited about it! Our boys were excited about it. So to lose the baby it was heartbreaking and devastating.
Sometimes I wonder if God allowed us to experience this heartbreak this devastation so we could get a glimpse of what our children in Haiti's birth parents must be feeling. This thought crosses my mind daily when I look at there pictures hanging on my wall and realize what loss there parents must feel for there child who is still alive.
This is the only picture I have of our baby. This was my 9 week ultrasound picture. The past few weeks have been hard. This baby was held in our heart and not in our hands but we often think about you sweet sweet angel. But we are taking comfort in the fact that we will see this baby again some day in Heaven. For now we take comfort and peace in knowing god is holding our little one in heaven.
I am so so thankful for all of the kind and thoughtful words, text messages, cards and even meals. The outpouring of love we received from family and friends was very comforting. In your darkest hours God always puts the right people in your life.
We had decided to go ahead and tell the boys and our close family members and just a few friends right after we found out we were pregnant. Yes the news was shocking to most but also looked at as a blessing and we continued on.
Not for sure how far along I was I went in for a blood pregnancy test and then again 2 days later for another. After that test they scheduled me in for a dating ultrasound is what they called it to determine a due date. I went in for the dating ultrasound on August 8th just 2 days before we were to go to Haiti. At this ultrasound I was not impressed with the ultrasound tech at all. She was very cold and quiet. She had a hard time finding the baby because I was only 8 weeks along. At this ultrasound they found no heartbeat. After leaving me in the ultrasound room on the table for 20 minutes to go and talk to my doctor the tech came back in and then took me up to talk with my doctor who had no compassion what so ever and told me that I was probably getting ready to have a miscarriage come back in one week to see if the baby is growing. She then told me it was not a good idea to travel to Haiti in case of miscarriage I left this appointment feeling sad, confused, mistreated. Not only was I just told that they found no heartbeat and we could be getting ready to lose the baby but I was also told I couldn't go to Haiti to file important paperwork and see my kids!
The next week was kind of a blur... We canceled our trip and I was worried. I was also unhappy with how I was treated and decided to make another appointment with a different provider.
One week later I saw a different doctor. They did a full prenatal workup on me and then did another ultrasound. I learned that my uterus was tilted and it was very hard to see anything or get a heartbeat. Then all of a sudden a baby appeared they were able to get measurements and sure enough the baby was growing!! It was now measuring 9 weeks so this was a good sign! The doctor wanted me to come back in 2 more weeks to do another ultrasound. He felt like everything was ok and that relieved some of my stress.
At that appointment I was also told how stress can affect the baby. I have struggled with high blood pressure and added stress can increase the blood pressure and cause miscarriage. When I came home I decided to remove added stress for the time being. We were in the middle of planning the adoption benefit and this had been a stressful situation. Something that should have been easy had turned into an everyday stress. I told my mom who was in charge that I was backing out and wanted her to just take care of everything. I felt like this would be better for me and the baby.
The next week I started having some cramping. I thought it was just from a UTI that my doctor had started me on medicine for. I wasn't feeling good sleeping a lot and just in pain. The pain was different then the pain I thought I would have with a miscarriage so I tried not to worry about it. By Friday afternoon my pain had got really bad. I called my doctor and they wanted to to head to the hospital for an ultra sound to check to see if the baby is ok.
As Zach drove me to the hospital on August 23rd just 9 weeks after we found out we were having a baby.... my body started going through the miscarriage I was having contractions about every 2 minute and I was in a lot of pain. By the time I got to the Radiology at the hospital for my ultra sound I had started hemorrhaging. A very traumatic scary painful and sad experience. The ultra sound tech did the ultra sound and then the doctor came in. He told us my body was going through a miscarriage and we had 2 options first was surgery to basically finish the miscarriage and stop the bleeding or he could send me home and it would take a few days to complete.... We opted for surgery as I knew I had already lost a lot of blood and my blood type is very rare I wasn't going to chance coming home and I was in a great deal of pain. They got me into a room and an iv started for some pain medicine and then into surgery a few hours later. By 10 that night I was no longer pregnant no longer hemorrhaging and no longer in physical pain. My hemoglobin levels had dropped down to 8 they should be above 12 so I was very dizzy and light headed I ended up staying in the hospital overnight and was finally able to go home the next day.
The next week was very hard. My hemoglobin level continued to drop down to 7 and I was to a point where I could receive a blood transfusion I was very tired, weak, dizzy and lightheaded having trouble breathing at home. After talking with my doctor we opted to wait it out so I didn't have to receive a blood transfusion. I already have a very rare blood type from blood transfusion I got when I had Kaden so I am already a high risk case. After about a week I started feeling a little better.
I am not sure what the future hold for us and having another baby. It wasn't in the plans but I will be the first to say we are considering it... After talking with my doctor and learning that my antibody did not cause the miscarriage. We are really thinking about it. Just trusting God's plan and knowing that it is perfect. Trusting that we will see our baby that we miscarried again someday in Heaven what a glorious day that will be! We know our baby is currently in good company with some of the best grandma's and grandpa's a baby could ask for!
In Memory of our baby we have decided to plant a beautiful bush at our home next spring. We feel that this will be a way we can honor the precious baby we lost and see the beauty in this tragedy.