280 days/ 40 weeks / 403,200 minutes

This was the last time we seen the kids. February 5, 2013 that was 280 days ago, 40 week ago, 403,200 minutes ago and it seems like forever. Can you imagine not seeing your 3 year old for that many days. Can you imagine not hearing about your 6 year old day at school or seeing all the new things there little brains are learning. Can you imagine not tucking them into bed not getting to tell them you love them everyday. Its painful my friends my heart aches to hold them to love them to let them know what its like to have a mom and dad. There is nothing in this world that can prepare you for something like this. This process has gone on way to long and these kids are just getting older everyday. There is so much injustice so much red tape and all these kids want is a family. We are that family. We love these kids with all our hearts. It amazes me everyday how much my 6 year old Wesley loves these 3 kids who he has never met. He tells me I miss them so much mom. He prays for them every night. Someday Wesley they will come home is all I can tell him..... 

We left Haiti that morning and I told myself that I was not going to wait another 270 days again and here I find myself 280 long days have gone by. We had planned to go in August but then came the pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage and it wasn't safe for me to travel so we canceled that trip. We were suppose to be in Haiti right now but we had to cancel our trip yet again. It seems that the US Embassy isn't letting parents file there I-600 unless you meet the current Haitian law and that we do not. We have been told that the new law should be effective by December 1st and then we would be able to reschedule our I-600 appointment and finally go to Haiti to file and see our kids. 

We are thinking it will probably be January or February before that actually happens with the Holidays and just being busy and the uncertainty of things in Haiti.  We have everything we need to file our I-600 so we are ready when they will finally let us. Until then we just continue to wait for our paperwork to make it through the rest of the Haitian adoption process.  That paper that was missing we have been told was found. 

Everyone always wants to know when they will come home. It seems like with every new season I push back the date that I tell people by another 3 months or so. I know one of these times I am not going to have to push that date back anymore one of these times God is going to say alright its time y our babies are coming home! But until that day we ask that you please pray for our family. The Holidays are especially hard. This will be our 3rd Christmas celebrating without them. Its hard .... I am told by friends that have brought there kids home that the pain goes away and its like they have always been there.... I pray they are right. Until that day comes we are just going to keep on keeping on! 

For the love of Pictures!

For the love of pictures!! 

We always try to get a group photo when we go to TN for Thanksgiving. Its something we have been doing since we started this tradition 10 years ago. Well this year it only worked out to get our family photo. Kind of sad but too many people going in too many different directions. I guess that's one bad thing about big groups! Well anyway me and the boys set off on Saturday to get our annual family photo. This is always a fun task but it was really pretty cold and Wesley was acting as if he had never been in cold weather. Finding the perfect spot getting everyone to smile always creates a challenge. I usually put the camera on the setting that lets you run like a crazy fool and leap into the photo just before it stats taking pictures. I always set it to multiple shots because you are sure to get a good one right?? 

Well here are some not so good photos that I thought would be fun to share with y'all! 

You can kind of see Wesley is sticking his tongue out at the camera (or me) not really sure this is a sure sign that pictures are going to be lots of fun!! 

Right here Zach seems to be telling Wesley something I am guessing it went a little like "you had better listen and smile so we can get a good picture or we are not going to play putt putt golf" 

I am thinking right here someone should of told Zach that if he didn't listen and smile we weren't going to play putt putt golf! 

Just look at Zach's face in this picture... It is as if he completely missed the memo that I wanted a picture of just me and him...(that's really to bad because I happen to like this picture of me and that's a rare occasion)  I really think he was irritated with the photographer at the moment (Kaden) I on the other hand was all smiles! 

What on earth is wrong with me.. Whatever it is Zach sure thinks its funny and the boys they were sure looking at something!! ( I think that something was a car getting ready to drive by and I was like Oh No they are going to hit my camera!!) 

This here is the boys clearly not ready for a picture! Wesley with his mouth wide open and Kaden looking at him like what are you doing!! 

I guess it was Kaden's turn to look like he is singing Christmas Carols!! 

This here picture says to me that Zach is thinking about chucking Wesley over the edge and Kaden is looking down saying I think if you do it right now no one will notice! Where oh where is these children's mother... Oh yes she was trying to get the camera ready so she could also get in the shot with them!! 

Kaden is clearly thinking man that's a long way down... I sure am glad my dad isn't holding me! 

Here I am on the first shot after I have leaped into the photo fixing my hair or trying to poke my eye out I am really not sure!

Ok and here are a few that I think we might actually be able to do something with!! 

A Glimpse

Glimpse / glimps/ 

Noun : A momentary or partial view: 

This is what we currently have of our kids life right now. A glimpse a momentary partial view. Watching them grow up in pictures. Wishing we could be there to watch them grow, love them and care for them. Getting new pictures of the kids from friends that traveled for a court date or a missionary team that traveled to work at the orphanage and love on the kids is priceless. It makes you happy and sad all at the same time. Seeing other people love on your kids brings a smile to your face and tears to your eyes all at the same time. Adoption is hard there is nothing easy about it. Its not for everyone and I completely understand that.  I will be honest with you some days I wonder if its really for me... But then I remember that god called us to adopt he called us to take care of his children and when I remember those things I know that if god called us to do this he will see us through it.  Through the good the bad the ugly and all of the hard time but he will also see us through the beautiful times. 

Friends we have 14 days left for our file to be submitted into IBESR. We missed the last cut off back in September but god graciously allowed for another deadline. This deadline is November 3rd. Our file needs to be accepted into IBESR before this date. We had a paper that we had to update here in the states and then send to Haiti . That paper is now in Haiti and we are ready to be submitted.  So we are asking you to please pray for our adoption. Pray that they will accept us even though we don't meet the current Haitian age adoption law and we can move forward with the adoption process. Pray that this happens so we can hopefully very soon stop living our lives with a glimpse of these 3 precious children

Amazingly enough I have remained pretty calm these past few weeks since we didn't make the Sept 15th cut off. I have been at peace with all of this even when we weren't sure if the extension would be granted. I keep thinking of one of my favorite verses.... Psalm 46:10 be still and know that I am god

I always find comfort in this verse. We know this is his plan and we continue to trust him. 

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

God love us and he loves our kids.... Please keep believing and agreeing with us! 

We want so much more than just a glimpse of these 3 precious kiddos life's!  

Thank you everyone for your continued prayers and support. It really means the world to us! 

Guest Blogger ~ My Trip To Haiti

Tonight's post is coming from my son Kaden he is 11 and he recently went with us to Haiti to meet his brother and sisters for the first time. This was Kaden's first time flying , first time out of the country and first time visiting the 3rd world..... This is what he wrote for his writers circle at school.......The video at the end is what we put together so he could show his class some pictures from our trip.... 


My Trip to Haiti 


Recently my parents and I went to Port au Prince Haiti to visit my brother Juvens and sisters Derline and Sophia. Our trip to Haiti took two flights the first was from the Chicago Ohare Airport to Miami and then from Miami to Port Au Prince Haiti. 


When we got there it was really hot first we had to find our bags. Then we got in the car with Patrick our taxi driver and he took us to the hotel where we checked into our room. When I looked over to the corner I thought I saw a fake parrot but guess what ...... it was real and really loud! Then we got to go up to our room but my brother and sisters weren't there so we had to keep an eye out for them. 


When they got there we went downstairs to go get them. They were all sitting on a couch all together and were all so happy to see us. Then we went back upstairs to our room. The first thing Juvens did was go straight for the toys. He got some for Derline and Sophia but Sophia didn't really want to play but Derline did. After they got done playing and Derline and Sophia had went down for a nap we got to go swimming. Juvens didn't get in though because he doesn't know how to swim. After a little time playing in the pool we were done and went upstairs to get ready to go for dinner. Food in Haiti is prepared differently than in the US. My brother and sisters have plenty of food at the orphanage however other children in Haiti are not that lucky and only get one meal a day if that. but they do get some food from the left over food at the hotel the workers give to people outside of the hotel.


Everyday that we were there was just about the same. except for the last day was Monday and that was Juvens Birthday we had cupcakes Juvens was happy about the cupcakes. 


How Haiti Made Me Feel....... 
If you have ever been to Haiti and seen the houses and the people then you would feel sad because they don't have much. It would make you feel like we have way more than we need.  


Some Haitian Creole Words I learned 
Eat ~ Manje 
Dance ~ Danse
Thank You ~ Merci 
Kisses ~ Baisers 
No ~ Pagen 
Happy Birthday ~ Bon Fete 

Hope you enjoyed reading about Kaden's first trip to Haiti! I know I did... We have talked a lot about how much we have here in the US and how much waster there is. We have also asked Kaden so would you want to live in Haiti.... His response was yeah sure... He said what would we do there.... Our 4 year old Wesley said we would help the kids at the orphanage Kaden..... No were not moving to Haiti but its great to open our kids minds and let them think about what really is out there and who really needs our help! 

Follow Me There

                           "Where love, like a river, flows

                           Peace like you've never known

                               And joy never ending lives

                              A place where faith can find

                                  Hope that will never die

Follow me there, come on, follow me there"

This has to be what heaven feels like.......

These song lyrics by Third Day make me think of Haiti. For some reason this is exactly how I feel being in Haiti. I especially felt this on our last trip. Peace like I've never known.... Its kind of hard to explain some would say how could you feel at peace in this poverty stricken 3rd world country... I just did I don't even feel this much peace when I am vacationing in Florida with my family or in the smoky mountains for Thanksgiving! 


Before it was time to go to Haiti I had such reservations about going I didn't want to leave Wesley at home. I couldn't stand the thought of something happening to us and Wesley being left to go on with out all of us. Yes he would still have my sister and my dad and Zach's family but there was just something really unsettling about all of that. I waited till last minute to book our tickets... I had played the hold them for 24 hours game with american airlines at least 4 days in a row... I would release the tickets from the hold and then put them right back on hold again!! Finally we bought them and I still felt a little sick to my stomach! I think part of that feeling was not wanting to have another cock roach that is the size of a mouse in our room again!! But that's nothing a few xanax can't handle!! So finally after giving this all to god... 


Philippians 4:6-7 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus

I started to feel peace by the time we were boarding the plane Friday night I was at peace with the trip and I was ready to see my babies.. I was ready for my mom and Kaden to see the kids!!

We arrived in Miami pretty late and headed to the hotel for about 5 hours of sleep before boarding our next plane to Haiti at 6:45 am ( that means we had to be back at the airport by 5:00 am) Zach and I neither one slept much there was someone lets just say something in our room keeping us awake!! We boarded our plane and we were off to Haiti!! We had a good flight. This time at the airport I really felt at home... for any of you that have been to the airport in Haiti you would probably understand why this statement is kind of funny!! We tried to call Patrick our drive and didn't get an answer so as we approached the doorway to go outside the airport I spotted Big!! I waved and him and he waved back and I instantly felt safe! We walked outside to Big and he then got Patrick. We then made the long walk with Patrick and Big to the car and weren't bothered once!! Praise the lord!! Where love, like a river, flows... We love Big and we love Patrick and you can tell they love us and want to take care of us keep us safe!! I will take it!! 

Arriving at the hotel, checking in , seeing all the familiar faces at the hotel, seeing all the families we love and look forward to seeing!! This is truly where joy never ending lives,

Its for sure A place where faith can find and we all have Hope that will never die... Some of the families already had there beautiful kiddos with them and like us some were waiting for them to arrive! We got there on Saturday and several other families arrived on Saturday as well. In all there was 22 families at the hotel during this visit spending time with there amazing children!! 


In Haiti I feel at Peace I still think its really kind of weird but  this 3rd world country feels more right then the one we live in every day! I feel closer to god when I am in Haiti. Maybe that's because I see the spirit of the people of this beautiful country and they are doing the best they can with what they have got. Folks they don't have fancy cars or houses they don't have high tech phones , air conditioning, closets full of clothing, computers, i pods, nooks all of those things we are so accustomed to in America. If something doesn't get done today they have tomorrow (on a side note I think this is why it takes so long for adaptions) and if they don't have tomorrow they know they will be dancing with Jesus in heaven! People that are truly just living day by day... My son Kaden told me he thought the people looked sad as we drove to the hotel.... I can understand that one might think they look sad and some of them really do. But most of the time I see happy souls....

                           
                          "Where love, like a river, flows

                           Peace like you've never known

                               And joy never ending lives

                              A place where faith can find

                                  Hope that will never die

Follow me there, come on, follow me there"

Hummingbirds

I follow Project Hopeful on Facebook and they posted this today and I wanted 


to  share it with those that follow my blog.... The question is..... 


Are you doing all that you can??

One day a terrible fire broke out in a forest - a huge woodlands was suddenly 


engulfed by a raging wild fire. Frightened, all the animals fled their homes and 


ran out of the forest. As they came to the edge of a stream they stopped to watch 


the fire and they were feeling very discouraged and powerless. They were all 


bemoaning the destruction of their homes. Every one of them thought there was 


nothing they could do about the fire, except for one little hummingbird.

This particular hummingbird decided it would do something. It swooped into the 


stream and picked up a few drops of water and went into the forest and put them 


on the fire. Then it went back to the stream and did it again, and it kept going 


back, again and again and again. All the other animals watched in disbelief; some 


tried to discourage the hummingbird with comments like, "Don't bother, it is too 


much, you are too little, your wings will burn, your beak is too tiny, it’s only a 


drop, you can't put out this fire."


And as the animals stood around disparaging the little bird’s efforts, the bird 


noticed how hopeless and forlorn they looked. Then one of the animals shouted 


out and challenged the hummingbird in a mocking voice, "What do you think you 


are doing?" And the hummingbird, without wasting time or losing a beat, looked 


back and said, "I am doing what I can."

McDonald's Happy Meals

The beloved McDonald's Happy Meal! All kids love them they can get cheeseburger or chicken nuggets french fries apples and a drink! Parents love them for the convenience. I know this stuff is not actually food but it does fill my children’s tummies when I’m in a hurry and have something to do. 

But wait we are forgetting the most important part!! The Happy Meal Toys!!!  The dreaded Happy Meal Toys!! I think every parent hates them! First off they charge extra for the silly toy and then the toy mostly causes me grief. Either the kids can’t figure it out or they didn’t get the toy that they wanted in the set. Speaking of the set why on earth do you display the whole set but only have 1 available?? 

McDonalds don’t you know this just causes a 4 year old major meltdown!!  But every child loves them!! So now as parents we are stuck with all of these lovely toys to clutter up our cars, playrooms and houses. They are played with just a few times and then tossed aside for something bigger something better something new. Then What??

What to do with all the Happy Meal Toys is the question???

Well I have an answer. Children who live in 3^rd world countries such as Haiti that have never heard of McDonalds and don’t even know what french-fries and happy meal toys are would love these toys. They would put a smile on their little faces and bring joy to their hearts! If any of you have Happy Meal Toys laying around I would gladly take them off your hands and make sure they make there way to a 3^rd world country where they will be given to some very deserving children!

When I go to visit the kids in Haiti I try to bring most toys back home with me so the kids have something familiar to play with on my return visits. Having some Happy Meal Toys to take would allow me to let the kids take them back to the orphanage and share with all the other children! I don’t think too many Happy Meal Toys for this project are possible. So please feel free to spread the word to your family and friends!

Lots of Happy Meal Toys = Lots of Smiles!!

If you have Happy Meal Toys that you would like to donate please let me know you can email me at

krp1021@gmail.com or you can give them to me the next time you see you or me can always mail them to me!

Thanks for all your help and support!!

Karena Price

P.O. Box 396

Wolcott, IN 47995

Do you have room ??

As I think about our Christmas Holiday season and reflect on our Christmas Eve service it has really made me think. Our pastor talked about the innkeeper that is part of the Christmas Story… He talked about how everyone knows the innkeeper as the man who had No Room…. He is the man who made Mary and Joseph sleep outside in the barn and that is where Mary gave birth to baby Jesus. But what if that inn keeper would of known that this was Mary and Joseph and Mary was getting ready to give birth to the Christ Child would of that innkeeper done things differently?? Maybe he would have offered them his bed or even his room?? We will never know but yet we wonder… I think our lives are really a lot like this story…. Do we have room in our lives for Christ?? Or do we only have room for Christ when it fits into our busy schedules….







This story makes me think about the adoption journey we are on…. Zach and I made room we felt god calling us to adopt and we made room. Our house isn’t big by any means we felt like we were to adopt two girls and god had different plans. We made our house a little bigger so we could adopt a boy and girl based on Indiana guidelines. I still have clutter in my house my cabinets are overflowing and laundry is piling up. I can only imagine what things will be like with two more children… But we still have made room. We know that this will mean sacrifice and that things will be a little different when Juvens and Derline come home but we felt this was what god was calling us to do so we listened and we have made room. Not just in our home but we have also made room in our heart. Zach and I love Juvens and Derline as our own children and we can’t imagine our lives at this point with out them.

I think a lot of times as Christians we think we don’t have room / we don’t have time when really we do. Lending a helping hand, making someone smile, Visiting the shut ins the widowed and the elderly, opening up your home for a orphan, sending that extra monthly change you have to a starving child in a 3rd world country. These are all things god wants us to do and while doing them we are spreading his love! 1 John 4:7-8 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love






So this Holiday season and this next year I want you to ask yourself… Can I make Room??? Can I make time??? What is Christ calling you to do??

NOvember Challenge

What a Challenge I was really having a down day yesterday and then I ran across this.... It did include NO Junk Food but I took that out! lol.. There is no way I am going to give up Junk Food at the holidays!! I am going to need Junk Food to get me thru NOvember! Anyway This did brighten my day a little and I am giving it a try I am sure I will probably #fail I mean NOvember is a crazy busy month for us and if we make it thru November we can make it thru anything!! From PTO Butterbraids to PIX Cheeseballs to Cleaning my entire house and decorating for Christmas to finishing the addition to traveling to Haiti to see the kids and praying that painting and carpet gets done while we are in Haiti and then back for our home visit 3 days later and then traveling to TN with my parents for our annual vacation over Thanksgivng to coming home and making 25 dozen cookies for PIX Cookie Trays! Well what did I leave out oh just packing and laundry and taking care of my family and being sick and taking care of the leaves in the yard and geesh I am sure there is plenty more...

Thats my November so here it goes

NO Negative Thougths ~

NO Giving Up ~ NO Excuses!

NO Negative Thoughts

NO Giving Up

NO Excuses

Must Read For Adoptive Parents Friends and Family

This is a must read for our friends and family. I have copied this blog post from Jen Hatmaker another adoptive mom and I think it is wonderful. I wanted to make sure I included it on my blog so I would always have it for a good reference! This blog is amazing and so true. Welcome to our world.....

We are currently in Waiting Purgatory  

........... Please take a few minutes and read Jen's post!



How to Be The Village
by Jen Hatmaker on Wednesday November 02, 201189 comments


Sometimes being ever-so-slightly in the public eye is rough. With a mouth and discernment problem like mine, you can imagine. I basically offer my life on the altar of criticism daily, then douse the sacrifice with plenty of fuel to make disparagement a lay-up.






For instance, Brandon and I attended a Halloween party last weekend with the theme “Heroes and Super villains.” Our friends came in such costumes as Captain America and the Joker and Kim Possible. They were all very polished and adorable. We came as washed-up, possibly strung out Superman and Supergirl complete with ripped fishnets, smeared makeup, and pistol tattoo drawn with Sharpie. We may or may not have had unlit cigarettes dangling from the corners of our mouths.






These choices are often met with disapproval from the watching masses, as you might well guess. I know you wish I would only dress up as Little Bo Peep or Mary Mother of Jesus, but Brandon and I are very, very silly and immature, and I’ve been trying to tell you people this for some time.






But usually I am grateful for the connection to the greater world, if only through social media and the miracle of emails (plus embarrassing transparency). For example, just a few days ago, I received this email:






Our good friends just returned from Ethiopia last night with their two little boys. Ok, they've had their "airport" moment and we were right there with them. What are some things we can do now to support them in the "real life" journey without overstepping our boundaries? Thank you so much for your transparency and honesty. Everyone can benefit when you share from your heart.






I was so moved by this email. Having benefitted from a community that practically smothered us with support throughout our adoption journey, I am so grateful for all the other good friends out there, loving their people and asking how to help. Since reading this email, I’ve been marinating on her question, and I’ve decided to write this Field Guide to Supporting Adoptive Families. (And it will be brief because I will try to remember that this is a blog and not a manuscript and the rules of blogging include succinctness, so that is exactly how I’ll proceed today, except for the exact opposite of all that.)






Let’s break this down into two categories:






Supporting Families Before the Airport






Your friends are adopting. They’re in the middle of dossiers and home studies, and most of them are somewhere in the middle of Waiting Purgatory. Please let me explain something about WP: It sucks in every way. Oh sure, we try to make it sound better than it feels by using phrases like “We’re trusting in God’s plan” and “God is refining me” and “Sovereignty trumps my feelings” and crazy bidness like that. But we are crying and aching and getting angry and going bonkers when you’re not watching. It’s hard. It hurts. It feels like an eternity even though you can see that it is not. It is harder for us to see that, because many of us have pictures on our refrigerators of these beautiful darlings stuck in an orphanage somewhere while we’re bogged down in bureaucracy and delays.






How can you help? By not saying or doing these things:






1. “God’s timing is perfect!” (Could also insert: “This is all God’s plan!” “God is in charge!”) As exactly true as this may be, when you say it to a waiting parent, we want to scratch your eyebrows off and make you eat them with a spoon. Any trite answer that minimizes the struggle is as welcomed as a sack of dirty diapers. You are voicing something we probably already believe while not acknowledging that we are hurting and that somewhere a child is going to bed without a mother again. Please never say this again. Thank you.






2. “Are you going to have your own kids?” (Also in this category: “You’ll probably get pregnant the minute your adoption clears!” “Since this is so hard, why don’t you just try to have your own kids?” “Well, at least you have your own kids.”) The subtle message here is: You can always have legitimate biological kids if this thing tanks. It places adoption in the Back-up Plan Category, where it does not belong for us. When we flew to Ethiopia with our first travel group from our agency, out of 8 couples, we were the only parents with biological kids. The other 7 couples chose adoption first. Several of them were on birth control. Adoption counts as real parenting, and if you believe stuff Jesus said, it might even be closer to the heart of God than regular old procreation. (Not to mention the couples that grieved through infertility already. So when you say, “Are you going to have your own kids?” to a woman who tried for eight years, then don’t be surprised if she pulls your beating heart out like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.)






3. For those of you in Christian community, it is extremely frustrating to hear: “Don’t give up on God!” or “Don’t lose faith!” It implies that we are one nanosecond away from tossing our entire belief system in the compost pile because we are acting sad or discouraged. It’s condescending and misses the crux of our emotions. I can assure you, at no point in our story did we think about kicking Jesus to the curb, but we still get to cry tears and feel our feelings, folks. Jesus did. And I’m pretty sure he went to heaven when he died.






4. We’re happy to field your questions about becoming a transracial family or adopting a child of another race, but please don’t use this moment to trot out your bigotry. (Cluelessness is a different thing, and we try to shrug that off. Like when someone asked about our Ethiopian kids, “Will they be black?” Aw, sweet little dum-dum.) The most hurtful thing we heard during our wait was from a black pastor who said, “Whatever you do, don’t change their last name to Hatmaker, because they are NOT Hatmakers. They’ll never be Hatmakers. They are African.” What the??? I wonder if he’d launch the same grenade if we adopted white kids from Russia? If you’d like to know what we’re learning about raising children of another race or ask respectful, legitimate questions, by all means, do so. We care about this and take it seriously, and we realize we will traverse racial landmines with our family. You don’t need to point out that we are adopting black kids and we are, in fact, white. We’ve actually already thought of that.






5. Saying nothing is the opposite bad. I realize with blogs like this one, you can get skittish on how to talk to a crazed adopting Mama without getting under her paper-thin skin or inadvertently offending her. I get it. (We try hard not to act so hypersensitive. Just imagine that we are paper-pregnant with similar hormones surging through our bodies making us cry at Subaru commercials just like the 7-month preggo sitting next to us. And look at all this weight we’ve gained. See?) But acting like we’re not adopting or struggling or waiting or hoping or grieving is not helpful either. If I was pregnant with a baby in my belly, and no one ever asked how I was feeling or how much longer or is his nursery ready or can we plan a shower, I would have to audition new friend candidates immediately.






Here’s what we would love to hear Before the Airport:






1. Just kind, normal words of encouragement. Not the kind that assume we are one breath away from atheism. Not the kind that attempt to minimize the difficulties and tidy it all up with catchphrases. We don’t actually need for you to fix our wait. We just want you to be our friend and acknowledge that the process is hard and you care about us while we’re hurting. That is GOLD. I was once having lunch with my friend Lynde when AWAA called with more bad news about Ben’s case, and I laid my head down on the table in the middle of Galaxy Café and bawled. Having no idea what to do with such a hot mess, she just cried with me. Thank you for being perfect that day, Lynde.






2. Your questions are welcomed! We don’t mind telling you about the court system in Ethiopia or the in-country requirements in Nicaragua or the rules of the foster system. We’re glad to talk about adoption, and we’re thankful you care. I assure you we didn’t enter adoption lightly, so sharing details of this HUGE PIECE OF OUR LIVES is cathartic. Plus, we want you to know more because we’re all secretly hoping you’ll adopt later. (This is not true.) (Yes it is.)






3. When you say you’re praying for us and our waiting children, and you actually really are, not only does that soothe our troubled souls, but according to Scripture, it activates the heavens. So pray on, dear friends. Pray on. That is always the right thing to say. And please actually do it. We need people to stand in the gap for us when we are too tired and discouraged to keep praying the same words another day.






4. If you can, please become telepathic to determine which days we want to talk about adoption and which days we’d rather you just show up on our doorstep with fresh figs from the Farmer’s Market (thanks, Katie) or kidnap us away in the middle of the day to go see Bridesmaids. Sometimes we need you to make us laugh and remember what it feels like to be carefree for a few hours. If you’re not sure which day we’re having, just pre-buy movie tickets and show up with the figs, and when we answer the door, hold them all up and ask, “Would you like to talk for an hour uninterrupted about waiting for a court date?” We’ll respond to whichever one fits.






Supporting Families After the Airport






You went to the airport. The baby came down the escalator to cheers and balloons. The long adoption journey is over and your friends are home with their new baby / toddler / twins / siblings / teenager. Everyone is happy. Maybe Fox News even came out and filmed the big moment and “your friend” babbled like an idiot and didn’t say one constructive word about adoption and also she looked really sweaty during her interview. (Really? That happened to me too. Weird.)






How can you help? By not saying or doing these things:






1. I mean this nicely, but don’t come over for awhile. Most of us are going to hole up in our homes with our little tribe and attempt to create a stable routine without a lot of moving parts. This is not because we hate you; it’s because we are trying to establish the concept of “home” with our newbies, and lots of strangers coming and going makes them super nervous and unsure, especially strangers who are talking crazy language to them and trying to touch their hair.






2. Please do not touch, hug, kiss, or use physical affection with our kids for a few months. We absolutely know your intentions are good, but attachment is super tricky with abandoned kids, and they have had many caregivers, so when multiple adults (including extended family) continue to touch and hold them in their new environment, they become confused about who to bond with. This actually delays healthy attachment egregiously. It also teaches them that any adult or stranger can touch them without their permission, and believe me, many adoptive families are working HARD to undo the damage already done by this position. Thank you so much for respecting these physical boundaries.






3. For the next few months, do not assume the transition is easy. For 95% of us, it so is not. And this isn’t because our family is dysfunctional or our kids are lemons, but because this phase is so very hard on everyone. I can’t tell you how difficult it was to constantly hear: “You must be so happy!” and “Is life just so awesome now that they’re here??” and “Your family seems just perfect now!” I wanted that to be true so deeply, but I had no idea how to tell you that our home was actually a Trauma Center. (I did this in a passive aggressive way by writing this blog, which was more like “An Open Letter to Everyone Who Knows Us and Keeps Asking Us How Happy We Are.”) Starting with the right posture with your friends – this is hard right now – will totally help you become a safe friend to confide in / break down in front of / draw strength from.






4. Do not act shocked if we tell you how hard the early stages are. Do not assume adoption was a mistake. Do not worry we have ruined our lives. Do not talk behind our backs about how terribly we’re doing and how you’re worried that we are suicidal. Do not ask thinly veiled questions implying that we are obviously doing something very, very wrong. Do not say things like, “I was so afraid it was going to be like this” or “Our other friends didn’t seem to have these issues at all.” Just let us struggle. Be our friends in the mess of it. We’ll get better.






5. If we’ve adopted older kids, please do not ask them if they “love America so much” or are “so happy to live in Texas.” It’s this simple: adoption is born from horrible loss. In an ideal world, there would be no adoption, because our children would be with their birth families, the way God intended. I’ll not win any points here, but I bristle when people say, “Our adopted child was chosen for us by God before the beginning of time.” No he wasn’t. He was destined for his birth family. God did not create these kids to belong to us. He didn’t decide that they should be born into poverty or disease or abandonment or abuse and despair aaaaaaaall so they could finally make it into our homes, where God intended them to be. No. We are a very distant Plan B. Children are meant for their birth families, same as my biological kids were meant for mine. Adoption is one possible answer to a very real tragedy… after it has already happened, not before as the impetus for abandonment. There is genuine grief and sorrow when your biological family is disrupted by death and poverty, and our kids have endured all this and more. So when you ask my 8-year-old if he is thrilled to be in Texas, please understand that he is not. He misses his country, his language, his food, his family. Our kids came to us in the throes of grief, as well they should. Please don’t make them smile and lie to you about how happy they are to be here.






6. Please do not disappear. If I thought the waiting stage was hard, it does not even hold the barest candle to what comes after the airport. Not. The. Barest. Candle. Never have I felt so isolated and petrified. Never have I been so overwhelmed and exhausted. We need you after the airport way more than we ever needed you before. I know you’re scared of us, what with our dirty hair and wild eyes and mystery children we’re keeping behind closed doors so they don’t freak out more than they already have, but please find ways to stick around. Call. Email. Check in. Post on our Facebook walls. Send us funny cards. Keep this behavior up for longer than six days.






Here’s what we would love to hear or experience After the Airport:






1. Cook for your friends. Put together a meal calendar and recruit every person who even remotely cares about them. We didn’t cook dinners for one solid month, and folks, that may have single handedly saved my sanity. There simply are not words to describe how exhausting and overwhelming those first few weeks are, not to mention the lovely jetlag everyone came home with. And if your friends adopted domestically right up the street, this is all still true, minus the jetlag.






2. If we have them, offer to take our biological kids for an adventure or sleepover. Please believe me: their lives just got WHACKED OUT, and they need a break, but their parents can’t give them one because they are 1.) cleaning up pee and poop all day, 2.) holding screaming children, 3.) spending all their time at doctors’ offices, and 4.) falling asleep in their clothes at 8:15pm. Plus, they are in lockdown mode with the recently adopted, trying to shield them from the trauma that is Walmart.






3. Thank you for getting excited with us over our little victories. I realize it sounds like a very small deal when we tell you our kindergartener is now staying in the same room as the dog, but if you could’ve seen the epic level of freakoutedness this dog caused her for three weeks, you would understand that this is really something. When you encourage us over our incremental progress, it helps. You remind us that we ARE moving forward and these little moments are worth celebrating. If we come to you spazzing out, please remind us where we were a month ago. Force us to acknowledge their gains. Be a cheerleader for the healing process.






4. Come over one night after our kids are asleep and sit with us on our porch. Let me tell you: we are all lonely in those early weeks. We are home, home, home, home, home. Good-bye, date nights. Good-bye, GNO’s. Good-bye, spontaneous anything. Good-bye, church. Good-bye, big public outings. Good-bye, community group. Good-bye, nightlife. So please bring some community to our doorstep. Bring friendship back into our lives. Bring adult conversation and laughter. And bring an expensive bottle of wine.






5. If the shoe fits, tell adopting families how their story is affecting yours. If God has moved in you over the course of our adoption, whether before the airport or after, if you’ve made a change or a decision, if somewhere deep inside a fire was lit, tell us, because it is spiritual water on dry souls. There is nothing more encouraging than finding out God is using our families for greater kingdom work, beautiful things we would never know or see. We gather the holy moments in our hands every day, praying for eyes to see God’s presence, his purposes realized in our story. When you put more holy moments in our hands to meditate on, we are drawn deeper into the Jesus who led us here.






Here’s one last thing: As you watch us struggle and celebrate and cry and flail, we also want you to know that adoption is beautiful, and a thousand times we’ve looked at each other and said, “What if we would’ve said no?” God invited us into something monumental and lovely, and we would’ve missed endless moments of glory had we walked away. We need you during these difficult months of waiting and transitioning, but we also hope you see that we serve a faithful God who heals and actually sets the lonely in families, just like He said He would. And even through the tears and tantrums (ours), we look at our children and marvel that God counted us worthy to raise them. We are humbled. We’ve been gifted with a very holy task, and when you help us rise to the occasion, you have an inheritance in their story; your name will be counted in their legacy.






Because that day you brought us pulled pork tacos was the exact day I needed to skip dinner prep and hold my son on the couch for an hour, talking about Africa and beginning to bind up his emotional wounds. When you kidnapped me for two hours and took me to breakfast, I was at the very, very, absolute end that morning, but I came home renewed, able to greet my children after school with fresh love and patience. When you loved on my big kids and offered them sanctuary for a night, you kept the family rhythm in sync at the end of a hard week.






Thank you for being the village. You are so important.






Adoptive friends, what can you add? What has been helpful or hurtful? How has your community helped you raise your children? What do friends and family need to hear?