Here's my "Broken Hallelujah"

Zach and I found out on July 7th that we were expecting...... Already being 2 years deep into the process of bringing 3 children home from Haiti we were shocked, scared, worried, excited, worried... did I say worried? We started praying over this surprise pregnancy Jeremiah 29:11  ~For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  

Little did we know that 7 weeks later on August 23rd we would lose this baby.... Little did we know how painful this experience would be...How traumatic this experience would be. We were 10 weeks along when we lost the baby and we had gotten pretty used to the idea of having another baby even in the middle of an international adoption! We were excited about it! Our boys were excited about it. So to lose the baby it was heartbreaking and devastating.  

Sometimes I wonder if God allowed us to experience this heartbreak this devastation so we could get a glimpse of what our children in Haiti's birth parents must be feeling. This thought crosses my mind daily when I look at there pictures hanging on my wall and realize what loss there parents must feel for there child who is still alive. 

This is the only picture I have of our baby. This was my 9 week ultrasound picture. The past few weeks have been hard. This baby was held in our heart and not in our hands but we often think about you sweet sweet angel. But we are taking comfort in the fact that we will see this baby again some day in Heaven. For now we take comfort and peace in knowing god is holding our little one in heaven. 

I am so so thankful for all of the kind and thoughtful words, text messages, cards and even meals. The outpouring of love we received from family and friends was very comforting. In your darkest hours God always puts the right people in your life. 


                                                       "Broken Hallelujah"

I can barely stand right now.
Everything is crashing down,
And I wonder where You are.

I try to find the words to pray.
I don't always know what to say,
But You're the one that can hear my heart.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

You know the things that have brought me here.
You know the story of every tear.
‘Cause You've been here from the very start.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.
Let me always sing Hallelujah
When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing Hallelujah.
Let me always sing Hallelujah.

I will always sing
I will always sing
Here's my broken hallelujah.

We had decided to go ahead and tell the boys and our close family members and just a few friends right after we found out we were pregnant. Yes the news was shocking to most but also looked at as a blessing and we continued on. 

Not for sure how far along I was I went in for a blood pregnancy test and then again 2 days later for another. After that test they scheduled me in for a dating ultrasound is what they called it to determine a due date. I went in for the dating ultrasound on August 8th just 2 days before we were to go to Haiti. At this ultrasound I was not impressed with the ultrasound tech at all. She was very cold and quiet. She had a hard time finding the baby because I was only 8 weeks along. At this ultrasound they found no heartbeat. After leaving me in the ultrasound room on the table for 20 minutes to go and talk to my doctor the tech came back in and then took me up to talk with my doctor who had no compassion what so ever and told me that I was probably getting ready to have a miscarriage come back in one week to see if the baby is growing. She then told me it was not a good idea to travel to Haiti in case of miscarriage  I left this appointment feeling sad, confused, mistreated. Not only was I just told that they found no heartbeat and we could be getting ready to lose the baby but I was also told I couldn't go to Haiti to file important paperwork and see my kids! 


The next week was kind of a blur... We canceled our trip and I was worried. I was also unhappy with how I was treated and decided to make another appointment with a different provider. 

One week later I saw a different doctor. They did a full prenatal workup on me and then did another ultrasound. I learned that my uterus was tilted and it was very hard to see anything or get a heartbeat. Then all of a sudden a baby appeared they were able to get measurements and sure enough the baby was growing!! It was now measuring 9 weeks so this was a good sign! The doctor wanted me to come back in 2 more weeks to do another ultrasound. He felt like everything was ok and that relieved some of my stress. 

At that appointment I was also told how stress can affect the baby. I have struggled with high blood pressure and added stress can increase the blood pressure and cause miscarriage. When I came home I decided to remove added stress for the time being. We were in the middle of planning the adoption benefit and this had been a stressful situation. Something that should have been easy had turned into an everyday stress. I told my mom who was in charge that I was backing out and wanted her to just take care of everything. I felt like this would be better for me and the baby. 

The next week I started having some cramping. I thought it was just from a UTI that my doctor had started me on medicine for. I wasn't feeling good sleeping a lot and just in pain. The pain was different then the pain I thought I would have with a miscarriage so I tried not to worry about it. By Friday afternoon my pain had got really bad. I called my doctor and they wanted to to head to the hospital for an ultra sound to check to see if the baby is ok. 

As Zach drove me to the hospital on August 23rd just 9 weeks after we found out we were having a baby.... my body started going through the miscarriage  I was having contractions about every 2 minute and I was in a lot of pain.  By the time I got to the Radiology at the hospital for my ultra sound I had started hemorrhaging. A very traumatic scary painful and sad  experience.  The ultra sound tech did the ultra sound and then the doctor came in. He told us my body was going through a miscarriage and we had 2 options first was surgery to basically finish the miscarriage and stop the bleeding or he could send me home and it would take a few days to complete.... We opted for surgery as I knew I had already lost a lot of blood and my blood type is very rare I wasn't going to chance coming home and I was in a great deal of pain. They got me into a room and an iv started for some pain medicine and then into surgery a few hours later. By 10 that night I was no longer pregnant no longer hemorrhaging and no longer in physical pain.  My hemoglobin levels had dropped down to 8 they should be above 12 so I was very dizzy and light headed I ended up staying in the hospital overnight and was finally able to go home the next day. 

The next week was very hard. My hemoglobin level continued to drop down to 7 and I was to a point where I could receive a blood transfusion  I was very tired, weak, dizzy and lightheaded having trouble breathing at home. After talking with my doctor we opted to wait it out so I didn't have to receive a blood transfusion. I already have a very rare blood type from blood transfusion I got when I had Kaden so I am already a high risk case. After about a week I started feeling a little better. 

I am not sure what the future hold for us and having another baby. It wasn't in the plans but I will be the first to say we are considering it... After talking with my doctor and learning that my antibody did not cause the miscarriage. We are really thinking about it. Just trusting God's plan and knowing that it is perfect. Trusting that we will see our baby that we miscarried again someday in Heaven what a glorious day that will be!  We know our baby is currently in good company with some of the best grandma's and grandpa's a baby could ask for! 

In Memory of our baby we have decided to plant a beautiful bush at our home next spring. We feel that this will be a way we can honor the precious baby we lost and see the beauty in this tragedy. 

For the love of Pictures!

For the love of pictures!! 

We always try to get a group photo when we go to TN for Thanksgiving. Its something we have been doing since we started this tradition 10 years ago. Well this year it only worked out to get our family photo. Kind of sad but too many people going in too many different directions. I guess that's one bad thing about big groups! Well anyway me and the boys set off on Saturday to get our annual family photo. This is always a fun task but it was really pretty cold and Wesley was acting as if he had never been in cold weather. Finding the perfect spot getting everyone to smile always creates a challenge. I usually put the camera on the setting that lets you run like a crazy fool and leap into the photo just before it stats taking pictures. I always set it to multiple shots because you are sure to get a good one right?? 

Well here are some not so good photos that I thought would be fun to share with y'all! 

You can kind of see Wesley is sticking his tongue out at the camera (or me) not really sure this is a sure sign that pictures are going to be lots of fun!! 

Right here Zach seems to be telling Wesley something I am guessing it went a little like "you had better listen and smile so we can get a good picture or we are not going to play putt putt golf" 

I am thinking right here someone should of told Zach that if he didn't listen and smile we weren't going to play putt putt golf! 

Just look at Zach's face in this picture... It is as if he completely missed the memo that I wanted a picture of just me and him...(that's really to bad because I happen to like this picture of me and that's a rare occasion)  I really think he was irritated with the photographer at the moment (Kaden) I on the other hand was all smiles! 

What on earth is wrong with me.. Whatever it is Zach sure thinks its funny and the boys they were sure looking at something!! ( I think that something was a car getting ready to drive by and I was like Oh No they are going to hit my camera!!) 

This here is the boys clearly not ready for a picture! Wesley with his mouth wide open and Kaden looking at him like what are you doing!! 

I guess it was Kaden's turn to look like he is singing Christmas Carols!! 

This here picture says to me that Zach is thinking about chucking Wesley over the edge and Kaden is looking down saying I think if you do it right now no one will notice! Where oh where is these children's mother... Oh yes she was trying to get the camera ready so she could also get in the shot with them!! 

Kaden is clearly thinking man that's a long way down... I sure am glad my dad isn't holding me! 

Here I am on the first shot after I have leaped into the photo fixing my hair or trying to poke my eye out I am really not sure!

Ok and here are a few that I think we might actually be able to do something with!! 

We are just along for the ride

 

We are just along for the ride....... Sometimes we go up and sometimes we go down down down... When one door closes another door opens.....

Jeremiah 26:14 As for me, I am in your hands; do with me whatever you think is good and right.

 

 

Pretty much for the past month and a half we have felt stuck in this elevator. Stuck, claustrophobic, trapped, not able to breath... One minute we are going up and the next we are heading back down. Truthfully we are ready to get off I am not a huge fan of elevators we are ready to be on some solid ground where we know more what is going on....

 

Adoption

~that is exactly what I am talking about... As many of you know we have been trying to get our dossier along with the kids dossier submitted before a deadline set by the Haitian Govt. That deadline was September 15th

 

~We found out on Friday Sept 14th that our attorney had our kids paperwork but we also found out on Friday that we did not get submitted with the September 15th Deadline.

 

~We then found out on Saturday Sept 15th  that an extension had been granted and our attorney would have 2 more weeks to submit dossiers

 

~ We found out on Monday Sept 17th that IBESR was not taking new dossiers and there was no extension

 

~ We found out Tuesday Sept 18th  that there was an extension

 

~ We found out Wednesday Sept 19th that there was no extension then that there was an extension and then there was no extension...

 

~ And Today Sept 20th we have been given the official word that there is NO extension IBESR is currently closed and they will not be taking new dossiers.

 

So now you might understand why we feel as we are stuck in an elevator and we just keep going up and down. Emotions are high but we will not be shaken. It is our understanding that it is possible that IBESR will start accepting dossiers on October 1st for a short grace period. It is also our understanding that next week, there is a meeting (Tuesday 25th) about the new procedures with IBESR. Hopefully after this meeting it will be clear as to what process will be in place for depositing dossiers on October 1st. 

 

Our heart hurts but we are also at peace and have a since of calmness... We know that HE alone is able and we are going to rest in that. This afternoon when I was thinking about all of this I heard a whisper saying to me Be still my child and know that I am GOD... We know god has already moved so many mountains for this adoptions and we are certain that he isn't done!

 

No worrying here... Its not aloud!

Philippians 4:6-7  Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

 

How can you help.....

~Continue to pray for our adoption

~Pray for Juvens, Sophia and Derline

~Pray for the meeting on the 25th or meeting next week its Haiti and things seem to change at the drop of a hat!

~Pray for those that have the power to make the final decision on this grace period pray that there hearts would be softened and they would allow this to happen

~Pray that IBESR does reopen October 1st for a grace period and we will then get in

~ Pray for our hearts as we are stuck in this elevator a little longer!

 

We believe in the power of prayer the bible tells us in Matthew 18:19 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.

 

We are thankful for each and every one of you that are praying for our adoption and our family. Words can not express how thankful we are! Keep praying because I can honestly say we know its working!!

 

Truth Is ~ Tuesday

Ok so here you have it.... The truth the way I am seeing things on this Tuesday night..... No holding back just saying what comes to my mind for the next 5  15 minutes ( I kind of had a lot to say) .....
Ready ~ Set ~ Go

I am frustrated tonight very very frustrated.... I thought our homestudy was almost done... This is basically all we are waiting for on our end.... Our social worker said we had an approved home study and now I find out our adoption agency is wanting to talk with our social worker her email read like this...

"I noted a number of items in my home study review that I felt needed clarification.  I want to make certain that you and your husband are fully prepared for your adoption before we move forward.  I’ll give you a call after I have spoken with Cara and let you know where we stand.  Thank you for your patience."

Ok I have no idea what any of this means and I am a little freaking out!! This email brought me to tears.... Tomorrow you had better believe tomorrow I will get tot he bottom of this!!! What doesn't make since is our home study agency here in Indiana has approved our home study.... This email is coming from the adoption agency in Texas... The people who have our dossier.... We have been working on our home study since August..... August people... That's a long time!! It should be done.....

As I was crying my eyes out tonight... Zach (gotta love him) says to me all in gods timing i guess god isn't ready for our home study to be complete.... I know all about gods timing and fully believe in god's timing but tonight I wasn't having it!!

I really have no idea what this lady is meaning when she says fully prepared for our adoption.... HELLO Big Red Truck... We have been to the 3rd world 3 times now and are planning on going back in May... We are reading any adoption book we can get our hands on... We are attending adoption conferences... We are having Haiti Days at home to learn/ teach our boys more about Haiti... We are talking to other adoptive parents... We are fundraising.... Our kids rooms are ready for them beds toys clothes  there rooms are ready they could come home tomorrow.... What else would she like us to do??? Truth is we would probably do whatever she told us to as it is the ransom for our children... That is just the cost of getting them home.... Someday there will be no more ransom someday they will be our children and they will be home.... But until that day we will continue to pay the ransom.... jump through hoops.... all for the sake of our children.

Zach and I are so so ready for this thing to be done.... Its harder than being pregnant.... It truly is the hardest thing we have ever done! Nothing that I can think of can compare to what this feels like...

**Sigh** ~ Deep Breath ~
Holding onto Faith tonight....
Hebrews 11:1 Now Faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen....